First Of Many

My friend Susan is getting married, and yes thats her real name. I have no interest in protecting the innocent. And I know, surprise surprise, aren't we all running down the aisle this year? Biters, the lot of us.

But I mention this fact not because Susan is a singularly hilarious and charming individual (she is). Or because I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive when I slur through Total Eclipse of the Heart while perched atop her wedding cake this coming weekend (she will). I mention all of this because Susan got a bachelorette party this weekend, one in which I was lucky enough to partake.

Her Maid of Honor (her "MOH", according to some shitty Patrick Dempsey movie), being the classy girl she is arranged for a lovely spa day in which I seemed to be the only one partaking of the champagne (who is surprised? anyone?). The other girls sipped cucumber infused water and nibbled on chocolate covered strawberries whilst I tore through the booze and cookies like some vagrant they had the Christian courtesy to invite in off the street.

As the party made its way to the bars, we proceeded to relive our glory days armed with a stack of scratch off dare cards for Susan to perform, and many a toast to "THE BRIDE!!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!". No joke, I know its cheesy wedding fare, but you haven't laughed 'til you've seen a friend with candy penises around her neck and a light up tiara pluck chest hair off some poor jackass who had the misfortune of finding himself next to you at the bar.

Lending evidence to the fact that we are no longer the spring chickens of college days past, we were ready for Taco Bell at 11:45. Susan expressed this sentiment best by proclaiming to the world, "Sherioushly guysss, I waant naaachhooos. HEY! Whatta ya call chheese that you stoole? NACHO CHEESE! GET IT??? Guuyss seeriously whosgonna bring me naaaachooosss?"

Susan, I adore you and am so glad I get to share in this fantastic time in your life. I wish you, Bob, and the cat a life of wedded bliss. Without any toenail clippings in the sink.