Attention Bad Guys

One of the very best things about living alone is really, the fact that I live alone. I come home, and everything is where I left it (unless its a hair tie, because I still can't figure out where Simon socks those things away to). My closet is undisturbed, my DVDs still in alphabetical order. I am free to dance around in my chonees, unabashedly bleach the kitchen for the second day in a row, and eat my strange Russian food unjudged.
Most of the time, I revel in it.

Living alone however, is not however without its drawbacks.
Because, I could not possibly be clearer, I am terrified of bad guys.
Seriously. I'm not sure what makes me think I'm such an appealing target, but even as a kid, I used to imagine that the world was out to kidnap me. Which made walking the half mile home from elementary school a test of fortitude, let me tell you.

Nowadays, when I get home I do what can only be described as an impotent sweep of the house (because really what would I ever do if I actually found someone?). With brave Simon always at my heels, I check around the corner of the kitchen, then flip on all the lights and make my way upstairs. I check in my closet , and in a burst of bravery tear back the shower curtain. I look to Simon for reassurance with questions like "you made that noise didnt you?". Only after this self placating behavior can I get down to the business of relaxing.

Except times like last night when my dad calls.
"Hey, did you lock your downstairs window?"
"Yeah dad, why?"
"No reason, I just had a terrible feeling."
Jesus. Really? YOU had a terrible feeling? Because now I bet mine is terrible-r.
I spent the rest of the night watching Law and Order and wishing I was married to Detective Elliot Stabler, or at the very least cohabitating with my own gun happy green beret.

My comfort is in the fact that although my paper thin walls are a disadvantage when I am trying to drown out my promiscuous neighbors drunk-self esteem sex, they will come in handy if I am ever say, screaming bloody murder.

That being said, if you are reading this and are in fact a bad guy, be assured that I am very popular and may at any moment have a number of brawny gentlemen callers with fierce right hooks and deadly aim. Also I teach self defense.