Dont Be Surprised If I Actually Do This

Martha Stewart tells me I need wedding favors. She is very adamant about this. I am free to a wide variety of low tariff crap, including but not limited to low tariff crap I bake and wrap myself, but nevertheless, if I am to have any kind of wedding, I am to have favors. Adorable, thoughtful, color coded favors. Goddam Martha.

Geoff and Mariana: The perfect pear (intentional misspell painted on the side of a tacky pear candle).

Instead, I turn to Kerri for favor advice. True to form we immediately nix any hope of punnery airbrushed onto useless shit. And this is what came of two genius minds combined. What I like best is how satisfied we are with ourselves.

2:47 PM kerri: you could bake a bunch of shit

i freaking got it

tiny booze bottles

2:48 PM member how cute they were?

and then say, "geoff and mariana: drunk in love..."

haha

2:49 PM or "geoff and mariana: the perfect drunks"

2:50 PM or "geoff and mariana: it's water"

or "geoff and mariana: why don't we get drunk and screw"

oh man

make me stop

2:54 PM me: no i love them

keep them coming

2:55 PM kerri: "geoff and mariana: he had to liqour her up to get her to agree to this shit"

geoff and mariana: because marriage is better when you're hammered"

2:56 PM me: i love you forever

kerri: but really, i think thats a good idea

i bet bev mo would give you a discount

since you'd be buying them in bulk

2:58 PM me: i fucking love you

this is going on my blog

you are welcome

kerri: ah hell

i'm gonna be famous

2:59 PM me: you sure are

kerri: yay

me: i think i want to try

kerri: i could come up with more

ps. that HAS to be your wedding favor

3:00 PM me: geoff and mariana: enabling each other since 2005

kerri: thats funny

3:01 PM me: geoff and mariana: dont let them be the only drunk people here

3:02 PM kerri: geoff and mariana: saying "i do" to being shit shows for life

3:03 PM me: geoff and mariana: nothing says love like 1.2 oz of tequila

kerri: haha

me: geoff and mariana: better together, best when drunk

3:04 PM kerri: geoff and mariana: for your hangover tomorrow morning

me: god i really want to do this now

kerri: geoff and mariana: cheers to sloppy sex

i think you probably have to

me: these are too damn good

More on the Possibly Cursed Chonees Later.

Reasons I Should Have Stayed in Bed Today
(in no particular order)

1. I took a swan dive off of some stairs. I imagine it looked pretty graceful, flying through the air, but I blew it on the landing. Chinese judge only gave me a 4.4 on execution.

2. When I was tumbling ass over ankles I realized I was wearing tights, not leggings, and thus gave the gaggle of students behind me an unprecedented view of my new (possibly cursed!) chonees.

3. My lean cuisine lunch was a garlic pizza that taught me two things in its brief life. a) pizza is not meant to be microwaved, as it tastes like bunions, and b) garlic creamy pizza will come back to haunt you.

4. I spent a solid chunk of my morning trying to get a $100 dollar gift card for participating in a survey with my health care provider. The whole spectacle ended with me telling the automated phone system to "eat dog shit and die". It informed me that it did not have an extension for that.

5. The rain has turned my hair into a tumbleweed growth hellbent on committing suicide off the left side of my scalp. It is not a flattering look.

Dude. I'm going home to self medicate with pizza (from an oven, as the good lord intended it to be prepared) and a tivo-ed episode of Big Love. And where the hell is Geoff to rub my feet?

Apologies All Around.

If you need to talk to anyone about the lack of posting here lately, you can take your complaints right to my immune system that has pretty much turned Benedict Arnold on me lately. I spent last week playing the role of the chick from the Exorcist, and all of this week leaking my soul out of my nose.

Not that Im dramatic or anything.