First Of Many

My friend Susan is getting married, and yes thats her real name. I have no interest in protecting the innocent. And I know, surprise surprise, aren't we all running down the aisle this year? Biters, the lot of us.

But I mention this fact not because Susan is a singularly hilarious and charming individual (she is). Or because I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive when I slur through Total Eclipse of the Heart while perched atop her wedding cake this coming weekend (she will). I mention all of this because Susan got a bachelorette party this weekend, one in which I was lucky enough to partake.

Her Maid of Honor (her "MOH", according to some shitty Patrick Dempsey movie), being the classy girl she is arranged for a lovely spa day in which I seemed to be the only one partaking of the champagne (who is surprised? anyone?). The other girls sipped cucumber infused water and nibbled on chocolate covered strawberries whilst I tore through the booze and cookies like some vagrant they had the Christian courtesy to invite in off the street.

As the party made its way to the bars, we proceeded to relive our glory days armed with a stack of scratch off dare cards for Susan to perform, and many a toast to "THE BRIDE!!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!". No joke, I know its cheesy wedding fare, but you haven't laughed 'til you've seen a friend with candy penises around her neck and a light up tiara pluck chest hair off some poor jackass who had the misfortune of finding himself next to you at the bar.

Lending evidence to the fact that we are no longer the spring chickens of college days past, we were ready for Taco Bell at 11:45. Susan expressed this sentiment best by proclaiming to the world, "Sherioushly guysss, I waant naaachhooos. HEY! Whatta ya call chheese that you stoole? NACHO CHEESE! GET IT??? Guuyss seeriously whosgonna bring me naaaachooosss?"

Susan, I adore you and am so glad I get to share in this fantastic time in your life. I wish you, Bob, and the cat a life of wedded bliss. Without any toenail clippings in the sink.

Planning and Dreaming.

The following is a list of wedding table names if Geoff and I were really honest with ourselves:

People Who Only Speak Russian

People Who Pretend to Only Speak Russian So As Not to Speak to the Gentiles

People Who Might Be Offended By the Hippie Guests

People Who Might Be Offended By the Militant Guests

People Who Might Be Offended By Excessive Intoxication (table to be placed indoors)

People We Didn't Think Would Actually Come

People We Had No Say In Inviting

People Most Likely to Get Us Good Loot

People We Are Hoping Will Do It In the Vineyard At Some Point If We Seat Them Together


Who else is SERIOUSLY stocked for this shindig?

A Ray of Sunshine

Today around 11:30 am I got a hankering for Lays potato chips. And for those of you who have met me, or have a literary rather than personal vestment in this blog, you know that I get irrational, fearfully powerful craving for very specific foods at very random and inoppertune times. Like the gingerbread fiasco of 2008, or the time I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and thought I might DIE without chocolate pudding. It's what I think pregnancy cravings might be like, except I am really far away from knocked up (about 9,000 miles and a 12.5 hour time difference worth) and thus spared the crutch to my dignity.

So today, on a day bursting at the seams with meetings and corporate hoops to jump through, when I had about 3.5 minutes to catch my breath and attempt half heartedly to convince myself Im not selling out to the man, today I craved Lays original potato chips. And only original Lays, with the blue stripe on the package and the salty greasy sheen they leave on your lips, only those would do.

I will spare you a description of the number of hours I spent wishing I could run down to the nearest campus eatery (it's how I show I care), suffice it to say, I remembered that I had a snack sized bag stashed in my desk. And internet, the joy, the boundless jubilation I felt when I made that realization. I tell you it reminded me of why it's good to be alive.

Another Good Reason.

The internet is down in my apartment and there isn't a damn thing I'm to do about it. The adorable college agey repair man with the cute butt said something with the signal something not being strong in the complex because of wiring and something something...I don't know, I was looking at his butt. But I digress.

When the internet is down, I cannot visit with my mistress Skype and nestle myself in her video chatting glory. Which means I cannot inter-date with a certain delicious bearded man in a certain dreary foreign country. And that limits our options of communication to telekinesis, or the land line Geoff can call from that's in a building not necessarily close to his room. That he shares with what is called a "shit ton of people" in polite society.

And when Skype, with her wiley ways cut us off midway through my description of a frightening addiction to grapefruit and how I'm thisclose to actually splitting off into deliciously citrusy sections myself, that man, that delicious bearded fellow with the awesomeness that awesomes, walked through the snow, stood in line for 30 minutes, handed over a credit card, and dialed my number just to hear the end of the story. Even though it was past his bed time. Even though it was really cold. Even though the story wasn't even that good to begin with.

Because that's how he rolls.

Cheers Big Ears.

I dont believe in New Years resolutions.

Mostly because Im so damn perfect that improvement would only infuriate and serve to mock those around me. But also because I lack the conviction to actually remember the things I drunkenly resolved to do at 12:01 a.m. on January 1st. This year I may or may not have vowed to "drink these delicious cocktails EVERYDAY". Which, depending on your lifestyle, may or may not be a viable goal.

Instead of setting goals I dont have any intention of meeting, I like to reflect on the year past and make a list of things I am looking forward to in the year to come.

And here they are, in no particular order.

-celebrating the happiness of several very important people tying the knot this year. Jess, Susan, Lauren, Ash. I know you all read this, and I wish you joy and a very happy married life from the bottom of my heart. Im also very much looking forward to your bacholerette parties.

-meeting the added challenges of my job with the experience I gained last year. I know I am very fortunate to be doing what I love, and making a difference in the lives of others. I hope to maintain my enthusiasm and create real changes to improve my programs.

-the trip to Disneyland that Iswearoneverything I will plan and execute this year. And thats not a resolution. Thats a damn ABSOLUTE.

-having geoff back from afghanistan. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to say goodbye to him, and live with the reality of where he is for the past months. I am so grateful to have the kind of relationship that can weather this deployment, and is at the same time so. worth. fighting. for.

-the release of the next Harry Potter movie. Because thats who I am.

-and last, but certainly not least, celebrating my own wedding with the people I care most about in the world. I am so genuinely excited to walk down that aisle and into the arms of that wonderful wonderful man.

G-d willing, 2009 will be one of the best so far.
And now internet, I want to hear your list.